Changes...

July 8,2010 is the day that my life - my family's life - changed direction in a way I didn't expect. Chris resigned from the ministry and chose to go into a new profession. (I should've started to blog right away, but our computer had died.)

The Refiner begins to stoke the fire in my life.

I'm generally a 'can-do' person and I'd like to hope that I've grown in my faith life over the past seven years, or so. But I've felt stress, fear, anxiety, and been generally overwhelmed to a depth I can't really put into words. Heart racing, thoughts jumbled, my whole being trembling uncontrolably. I cannot fall asleep or stay asleep. Quiet tears filling my eyes throughout the day...

And sitting in worship after Chris announced his resignation... well, the last four Sundays of his job... I was in mourning, grieving the loss of what I'd know for the past twenty-six years. For me, there is no one who can lead worship like Chris, no one who plays the piano with the heart that he does, no one who I can sing with who can 'breathe' at the piano at the exact same time as I do. It's always been my comfort and joy to sit next to him at the piano, as we lift our voices to offer ourselves to the Lord. I am mourning the loss of that.

I am also completely overwhelmed when I think of life without him at home. His new vocation is to be long-haul trucking. He'll be gone for long periods of time and home for short periods in between.

God has always provided for us. God has always protected us. God has always lead us.

But I can't see any glimpse of God in this at the beginning. The only thing I can see is the peace in Chris's countenance... the sure-ness in his steps. I haven't seen that in years. And it's the glimmer of hope that I cling to. The past month has been as though we are both walking in darkness. Normally, I'd be out front, swiping my arms around trying to feel my way. This time, I'm holding onto Chris, inching along in the darkness. I can't see a thing ahead of us, but he is getting glimpses of light and he's leading us toward the light. It says huge things about our marriage - leadership, trust, responsibility, submission.

To be continued...

This song, by Kathy Troccoli expresses some of my heart:

I've known laughter, days of fun;
Had many hours in the sun,been to many mountains, walked along the ocean shores.
I've seen rainbows fill the sky, counted stars on summer nights.
Oh, so many moments that have filled my soul with joy.

But, it's been the rain, it's been the storms, it's been the days when I've been worn
That I have found You, Lord, that I have found You, Father.
It's in the pain that I have grown; Through all the sorrow I have known.
But, if that's what it takes for You to lead me this far, go ahead and break my heart.

I have felt the winter snow, seen the beauty of a rose, sat by many fires and enjoyed the warmth of friends.
I've known love and it's embrace, have felt the wind against my face, watched the moon at midnight shine upon a sleeping world.

But, it's been the rain, it's been the storms, it's been the days when I've been worn
That I have found You, Lord, that I have found You, Father.
It's in the pain that I have grown; Through all the sorrow I have known.
But, if that's what it takes for You to lead me this far, go ahead and break my heart.